Love Hurts: Navigating the Journey of Heartache and Healing
Have you ever wondered why love, the very essence that promises us joy, often leaves us in pain?
The Paradox of Love
Love, a paradoxical force, can be both a source of bliss and pain. It can be energizing, straining, and everything in between. Our culture often portrays true love as an ethereal experience. It usually says true love is painless and pure bliss, akin to Nirvana or heaven. But the reality is more complex, and understanding this complexity is crucial in our journey of love.
Seeking Fulfillment
Love songs, movies, and the relationships we witness or endure make us long for their tender touch. We yearn for love from others—we believe that love will make us feel whole, seen, alive, electric, and fulfilled. This idyllic portrayal leads us to pursue love fervently, often without understanding its true essence. We work tirelessly to make ourselves physically, financially, educationally, and emotionally attractive to draw love to us.
My life journey has led me to a profound understanding of love as something we become without the need for reciprocation. This understanding, gained through deep self-reflection, has been transformative and empowering. I encourage you to start or continue on a similar journey of self-discovery.
When we first enter our bodies, our temple, we have to learn how to live. We learn how to eat, walk, talk, and think. All of these learning experiences come with trial and error. We bite our tongues, fall down, scrape our knees, and wrestle with ideas until we can rattle off the answer to four plus four and anything else we master.
When we learn how to eat, don't instruct our tongue to move out of the way of our teeth. When we learn to walk, we don't consciously think about balancing when we get up to take our first step after sitting down. When we learn something new, we don't expect to perfect it the first time. We know we have to practice to learn. We're taught that to become an expert in any discipline; we must study and practice what we want to learn, knowing that we are on the journey to mastery.
I don't believe any great writer, musician, dancer, or athlete ever truly considers themselves a master—they are always on the journey of mastering. But why aren't we taught this same concept about love? Why don't we learn that to master love, we must open our hearts to learn to love?
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
For many of us, our understanding of love is deeply skewed by the messages we absorbed about ourselves in our formative years—messages often filled with shoulds, shouldnt's, shame, neglect, religion, tradition, abuse, etc. These early lessons shape how we view ourselves and, consequently, how we allow others to treat us. For instance, someone who grew up in a household where love was equated with material gifts might struggle to feel loved without receiving expensive presents. Consider many black women who grew up believing love meant constant sacrifice because that's what they saw in their parents. It wasn't until they began their own journey of self-discovery that they realized love could be nurturing and balanced, not just relentless giving without receiving.
We often become the architects of our heartbreaks, seeking out people, jobs, or activities that reflect our distorted self-perception. We place the impossible burden on these external sources to make us feel whole, to love us in ways we have not yet learned to love ourselves.
The truth is that our hearts will be broken and betrayed not just by others but by our own misguided expectations and self-judgments. Mastering love requires becoming it, embodying forgiveness, grace, patience, humor, tenderness, honesty, and accountability. Becoming love means living these qualities in our daily interactions, treating ourselves and others with respect, understanding, and compassion. It is about learning to see and treat ourselves with the love we so desperately seek from others while setting healthy boundaries to ensure we are respected and secure in our relationships.
Whether it's romantic love, self-love, or the love we share with family and friends, the journey to mastering love is a universal experience. Each relationship teaches us different lessons and requires us to embody the qualities of love in unique ways. In this shared journey, we find connection and understanding, knowing that we are not alone in our pursuit of love.
"If you want to fly, you have to give up the things that weigh you down." – Toni Morrison.
How do we embark on this journey of learning to be loving? It starts with understanding what we were taught about love. Write down your definition of love. Avoid using emotions or feelings. For example, don't say love is longing to be in someone's presence. Use verbs instead—love is respect, honesty, etc. This exercise in self-reflection helps us understand our current understanding of love and identify any unhealthy or unrealistic beliefs we may hold.
After writing your definition, journal about who, what, and where you learned this definition. Does it serve you, or is it working against you?
I define love as forgiving, honest, gentle, respectful, uplifting, graceful, merciful, patient, vulnerable, listening, and tender.
Every day, I strive to embody all of these qualities. Before I start my day, I reflect on how I want to carry out these qualities and, at the end of the day, how I live them out.
I like to ask my clients after they refine their definition of love: How do you make lemonade? They usually respond with "lemons, sugar, and water." I then ask, "What if I gave you just sugar and water—could you make lemonade?" They respond, "No, that would be sugar water." So, I ask them to examine their definition and consider if they are applying all of these qualities to themselves. The answer is always "No." I then tell them that this is the work. This is the journey they wake up every day to master. It's not about making oneself more attractive, earning more money, or becoming the smartest person in the room. Learning to become love leads us to our life purpose, joy, and peace and naturally attracts others to us. We become the light on the hill, what others seek because everyone loves the sunshine.
Our journey to mastering love is intertwined with our perception of our worth. It's like when you put cream in coffee—you can't undo it because the two have become one. As we learn to embody love—being patient, kind, and forgiving with ourselves—we start to see ourselves as deserving of love and respect from others. This shift in self-perception is crucial to breaking the cycle of seeking validation externally and finding fulfillment within.
It's crucial to understand that mastering love doesn't mean we should tolerate toxic behaviors or harmful relationships. Love requires openness and vulnerability but also demands that we protect our well-being by setting healthy boundaries. This empowerment allows us to discern when to step back and ensure that our environment nurtures us rather than depletes us.
Think of a garden. We don't kill the grass because weeds start to grow; instead, we cultivate it, pulling out the weeds while nourishing the healthy blades. Similarly, in our relationships, setting boundaries helps us to nurture what is good while removing what is harmful. Love involves respecting ourselves enough to walk away from toxicity and cultivate spaces where we can thrive.
Reflecting on Love and Learning
To love is to learn, and to learn is to love. True love, like learning, requires patience, practice, and a willingness to grow beyond our current selves.In life, we often overlook how deeply connected love and learning are. Both require us to be vulnerable, to open ourselves up, and to accept that there will be bumps along the way. We grow stronger and more resilient as we stumble and fall, whether in learning or in love. Each experience and lesson shapes us into more compassionate and wise beings.
True mastery in any area, including love, isn't just about knowing—it's about immersing ourselves, dedicating ourselves, and being willing to endure the ups and downs. As we strive to become love, we realize that our challenges are not just obstacles but opportunities to deepen our understanding and connection.
So, as you continue your journey, remember that love and learning go hand in hand. To truly love is to be open to learning, and to learn fully is to embrace the essence of love.
Take a moment to reflect on your own journey. Write down your experiences and how they've shaped your understanding of love. Ask yourself, how can you start to embody the qualities of love in your daily life? What steps can you take to align more closely with your definition of love? This practice of reflection and action is essential in cultivating love within and around us.
